


Divestment

by Enolu



Series: Stay like this; stay with me [2]
Category: Gundam SEED, Gundam SEED Destiny
Genre: Awkward Kissing, Awkward Sexual Situations, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, Emotionally Repressed, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Masturbation, Politics, Post-War, Rebuilding, Regret, Self-Denial, Slice of Life, Women In Power
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:53:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24057022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enolu/pseuds/Enolu
Summary: Even though she's probably doing them both a wrong, it feels like she's already mastered the art of divestment.
Relationships: Cagalli Yula Athha/Athrun Zala, Shinn Asuka/Cagalli Yula Athha
Series: Stay like this; stay with me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1735528
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Divestment

When she seeks a personal audience with Rondo Mina Sahaku and makes an appeal for support, Mina seems to welcomes her presence, but is less than receptive to the message.

She can see why.

From all appearances, Mina's retirement to a small, but stunning island villa on the Yalafath mainland's west coast is suiting her well. The Sahaku family head has currently traded her imposing cloaks, uniform and pilot suit for a swimsuit and shades. She lounges on a deck chair, cocktail in hand.

It's almost unbelievable that the slim, handsome, former socialite with long, dark hair and those jewel-like eyes could invite Cagalli to join her for a drink and still be the same shrewd noble.

Everyone knows that the remaining head of the Sahaku house is a deadly pilot, trained militician, and one half of the Sahaku twins. Few know that Mina, with her brother and their father, had once schemed to take power and have Orb rule the Earth territory.

Around them, the palm trees cast frond-dappled shadows, and the reclining Sahaku noble signals for her bodyguards to leave, but only after her guest has ordered the same.

It's not the first time that Cagalli has seen her, but Mina has become rather reclusive, and it only makes her beauty more startling to see in person. Mina gives her an amused look, over the top of those dark glasses.

"My dear, you'd better take a drink; even machines need down-time. Long island tea, alright?"

The serving automaton moves so quickly that Cagalli has no time to refuse the iced drink. It blinks its blue eyes, waiting for a further signal, and Mina's gaze grows even more imperious, as if commanding her to drink.

"Thank you, Lady Sahaku." She holds her drink, not tasting at all, and bites down her discomfort."I had hoped you were well. It's good to see that you are."

"I assure you that I know how to look after myself. It's been only two weeks since the Second War was declared finished." Mina says, tilting her wide-brimmed sunhat diffidently and regarding Cagalli over her shades. "And here you are, Lady Atha, all flustered and busy, coming all the way from Olofat to see me. You keep standing there, all stiff and tense - won't you take a seat? The sea breeze is quite nice."

She doesn't sit. There's nowhere to, except on the other deck chair. It's incongruous, being surrounded by luxury much like the Atha estate and holiday homes that she had grown up in, all while knowing that there are war-damaged pipes, buildings and roads in the same country.

"There's much to be done to rebuild Orb, Lady Sahaku. Parts of the capital were damaged."

"Of course, it's a war. Olofat will be fine though."

"Yes, Lady Sahaku. But somebody has to take charge for that to happen. The new electorate is a coalition government, and that's why the council of emirs must be more united than before. I will do everything that I can to rebuild what needs to be restored, and with your assistance, we could serve Orb far better."

And she watches Mina throw back that gorgeous head and laugh without humour. "Listen, it's a lovely afternoon, but I'm afraid you aren't dressed for the pool with that pantsuit of yours. No matter, our bodyguards are outside, so you may wish to have a dip anyway."

Mina adjusts her shades to ride on her head, casting a sly look at Cagalli from head to toe. "I won't tell anyone."

She holds her head high, ignoring the provocation. "I think not, Lady Sahaku. I didn't come here to enjoy the pool, grateful as I am for your invitation. In fact, I would have come sooner, if it had been permitted. I was informed that you had not attended the last emir council meeting, and I couldn't speak to you personally or sooner."

"Yes, well, I'm sure you're aware that I don't wish to attend any more of those, or be further involved with the emirs or the new government."

"That is precisely why I came personally, hoping to appeal directly to you, Lady Sahaku. I need your influence, experience, and wisdom as an emir in the council, if I want to protect Orb and it's interests."

"Your father permitted and helped Unato Ema Seiran to join the electorate," Mina says coldly, dropping the airy tone and the presence that she had adopted previously. "Just because your father wanted to control both the emirs and the electorate. Now that the Seirans are gone and there's a new electorate, you're on your own, because the other emirs don't care to support the Atha house. You can blame your father for his short-sightedness in having only goodwill with the Seirans - that's none of my business."

Cagalli stands her ground. "He did that for political expediency at that time, Lady Sahaku. The emirs were too divided, and the electorate could not take proper direction."

"Regardless. You know that should never have been allowed - the five noble houses are to govern Orb with the assistance and blessings of the incumbent electorate. None of the noble families are supposed to assimiliate and control the electorate - that's why we're the emirs, and not the electorate. The two are supposed to exist independently as checks and balances against each other. But your father went against those sound principles of governance for short-term - what did you call it? - political expediency."

"I'm aware of those issues, Lady Sahaku, but the Sahakus aligned themselves with Muruta Azrael to strengthen their own military clout. And the Moringa and Rutherford emirs refused to take any side. My father couldn't possibly ask for support when things were so different then -"

"My beautiful Cagalli." Mina silences her by standing from the lounge chair. "I've seen you grow from a child, and you prove to be more strong-willed and lovely each time. But if you came here to convince me to return as an emir and support you as lead emir, you're doing a bloody unconvincing job of it right now. Granted, your father put the Sahaku house in charge of the military decisions, but we were the obvious choice - we have the most ties to the military. It's not as if we betrayed his trust - he developed his own mobile suits didn't he? My father and brother are dead, and I'll not hear a word against them from the Athas, even if I can admit that the Sahaku house made some mistakes."

It's almost comical, Cagalli thinks distractedly, that such a beautiful woman in such a revealing swimsuit could be so threatening and intense. She hastens to mollify Mina, lest the rumours of the Sahaku twins' infamous temper be shown true.

She unclenches her fists, which she had not realised had become balled. "I didn't mean to criticise them, Lady Sahaku. I apologise if I caused offence. I'll be the first to admit that many of my father's decisions were no less erroneous. My point was simply that my father's views differed so much from your family's at that time - how could he have guaranteed the policies he thought best for Orb if he didn't forge an alliance with the Seirans?"

But Mina looks at her, completely unmoved. "Still, look at the problems that he caused, when he tried to control the electorate through another noble family. l'll have you know that my father and the heads of the Rutherford and Moringa noble families personally protested against your father's scheme, back in the day. They knew it was a bad precedent."

She holds back her arguments, and fights to keep her temper in check. "We are in agreement, Lady Sahaku. I intend to have the new electorate call a referendum in the upcoming days. With the will of our people, it can be constitutionalised that no Orb noble family should be allowed to join the electorate and exercise additional control and power."

"Yes, you have your plans for the future. But let's talk about here and now." Mina's eyes narrow. "Your father went ahead to install Unato Ema Seiran as Prime Minister against the other Noble families' protests, and he reduced our Noble houses' roles as emirs. Now that those men are gone, you want me to pledge the Sahaku noble house's support to you, an adopted Atha? Why should I?"

Mina's scarlet lips curl, and she strokes her dark hair, stretching her fingers out, feline-like. "Because of your father's schemes, you were left at the Seirans' mercy when you needed political support as the new lead emir after the First War. And for that, you were willing to go through with a marriage to that good-for-nothing. I'm surprised you came back at all. Why, I shouldn't have bothered getting into my Amatsu to stop our air force from following you and shooting Kira Yamato down."

"But you did, and I'm grateful for that." Cagalli doesn't drop her gaze. "Your intervention was timely - you are one of the reasons why I can be here today. I respect your abilities and wisdom, Lady Sahaku. I know how much I can contribute, but I know how much more I need to learn. That is why I seek your return to the council of emirs and your support."

The automaton sees that its controller's glass is empty, and glides up to take it from Mina, replacing it with another almost immediately.

"My dear, I think you'll be fine without me, as well as the Moringa and Rutherford houses. You'll stoop to anything with that determination, I can see that. After all, you were willing to tie your future with the Seirans just to assure the Seirans' support, just because Unato Seiran was the Prime Minister and controlled the electorate."

It takes all her willpower not to show how stung she feels - she had tried to put the recollection of the wedding and Yuna's face and veiled threats from her mind. Yet, Mina only seems to grow sterner.

"The thought of being touched by that man's vain, useless, simpering son is sickening - but you were willing to do it." Mina sips her new drink and sneers. "All for Orb. I know how far you're willing to go. But you can go at it alone, I'm too tired to care."

Cagalli stares at her stonily. "I did what I could to carry out what I thought was best at that time. I didn't care for Yuna Roma Seiran, but I cared for Orb. Wouldn't you have done the same?"

Something in Mina's face changes, and she looks almost like Cagalli remembered Rondo Gina Sahaku to be - vengeful, wild, and dangerous.

But there's something strangely triumphant in that patrician, regal face, and Mina says, "You never approached the other noble houses for support when you went to the Seirans. Now you want me and what's left of the Sahaku house to pledge allegiance?"

"It's in Orb's interests. I know that you are a capable emir, Lady Sahaku. If the emirs can be united, we can, together with the electorate, protect Orb. My legitimacy as the Atha heir is being questioned this very moment. Your support would tip the scales and quell those reports."

Mina continues to sip her drink and smiles, as neat as a pin. "Those are staged by the Rutherfords, of course. The new head is ambitious, and their family does have connections to various press holdings in Orb and elsewhere, no?"

"I don't know." She does know, but there's no good accusing another Orb noble family of turning the public against her when she can't even secure the other noble families' support. "That is also why I need your help."

"It's not in my personal interest to be involved in politics anymore." Mina says, and settles back on the chair comfortably. "I even named two others as my successors at the military base - girls, of course, the far better of the sexes, I'm sure you'll agree. There's no need for me to lift a finger when the Orb constitution protects the five Noble families of Orb - it's enshrined that we'll always be maintained even if we don't serve as emirs."

"Orb needs its emirs." Cagalli tells her.

"And I need my uninterrupted sleep. I'm tired of trying, fighting, piloting, struggling for more power to the Sahaku house - what's left of it. I had a hand in killing my own brother for this so-called peace. Now, I just want to enjoy what's left of my youth, health and beauty. I don't mind people thinking that I'm selfish and useless - you shouldn't either. They call you the Princess of Orb, no?"

But there's no point explaining to Mina why she's set out to do this. It's like arguing with a cliff, the ocean waves so strong and stubborn, and a lesson that Cagalli has learned is that one can only try so hard and wait. As it is, there is the visit to the Moringas' grand house.

So she downs the drink, not even flinching as it burns a path down her throat - Lady Sahaku apparently favours alcohol in much greater proportion to the tea. "The invitation to return to the council of emirs remains open, Lady Sahaku. In any event, you and I are the last of our houses in Orb. I ask that you consider again, before I take my leave."

She sets down the glass on the poolside table, and turns away. The endless palm trees sway gently, beckoning overhead, but she understands that her visit has come to an end.

Behind her, Mina says, "Why do you try so hard to serve Orb? I heard the rumours that you took a bodyguard as your lover - a Coordinator, no? It's easier to do that kind of thing if you aren't the lead emir, you know. You could do whatever you liked, so long as it isn't illegal and you're discreet enough."

She doesn't even turn back to respond. "Good afternoon, Lady Sahaku."

X

Without even being conscious of it, she's changing.

There's no place for that impetuous, rash girl to account for millions of lives, and she'll need every bit of skill, focus and drive to fill her father's shoes and grow into her own. She does more and more, and it comes to a point where her minders mandate that she sleep at least five to six hours a day. Her every waking moment is centered around Orb, or sustaining herself so that she can take care of her people.

These are difficult times. The judgement calls that the previous electorate and the Seiran emirs had made are criticised. Those had happened so quickly, but in times of rebuilding, the survivors are asking how those decisions could have been made. In a way, those are all moot, because the Seirans that she knew and once depended on for political alliances are all dead.

She understands that all the same, she is accountable for the decisions of dead people. Her every political move and the electorate is watched by Orb and the world, and the Rutherford and Moringa emirs refuse to reconvene the council of emirs.

In the immediate weeks of the Second War's conclusion, the reports raise doubt again as to her political legitimacy and her status as an adoptee, rather than a blood-related descendant of the Atha noble family.

Some argue that Uzumi's younger brother, Homura, has a stronger claim to the Atha house's emir seat. But for Homura's public statement that he is unwilling to take position as the Atha emir, and would better serve his country by being one of his niece's advisors, the reports would have been far more explicit in their calls for her to rescind her power as the Atha and lead emir.

Some question whether she had orchestrated the events leading to Unato Ema and Yuna Roma Seiran's unfortunate deaths during the Second War, which effectively extinguished one of the five Noble Orb houses.

Some even argue that Yuna Roma Seiran's transfer of power to her during Zaft's Operation Fury was intended to be temporary. Some claim that his subsequent arrest for conspiracy against her and Orb's best interests was not proper or under due process.

Nearly all wonder if a woman as young as she is can be the lead emir and Orb head of state, especially without the Seirans' support from the electorate and what most assumed had been valuable guidance.

But she shows them all.

Her next few acts of power, and with her advisors' guidance and the newly-elected government's blessings, are to slowly but steadily re-build and strengthen Orb.

The damaged infrastructure is fixed and improved. She and the constitutional advisors find those clauses that effectively demands the reconvening of the council of emirs, and they attend in parliament. She admonishes the coagulation electorate in a public statement, and the pledges the emirs’ collective support for work to stabilise the Orb economy. 

Then, as lead emir, she pushes for Orb to enter into new peace accords and revitalise foreign policy. They increase fiscal spending and strengthen monetary policy, reaffirm Orb's equal treatment of Naturals and Coordinators, and introduce more safeguards to discourage hate speech and any inciting of discord. There are protestors in the streets, but they're rounded up quickly under the newly-passed public assembly laws.

Her efforts pay off. It happens slowly, torturously, but then all at once, it’s a turning tide, and she's swept along even faster than she could have hoped for. One right move leads to another, and it builds the foundation for yet another. There is grudging respect amongst the other emirs, and the Moringa house starts to openly support her.

But there are sacrifices for each demonstration of her suitability to lead. She swore to be better than what she was, the day that she had failed to stop Orb from aligning itself with the Earth Alliance. She finds that fulfiling that promise needs constant effort, a consistent honing of every skill required to serve her country.

There's not much time to see her only surviving family, and she finds herself quite alone because of what she's set out to achieve. There are new roads and transport lines being constructed, and the civil police are routinely dispatched to stop any fighting between Orb Coordinators and Naturals. There's major work to be done in the densely-populated Olofat, and the mainland of Yalafath.

There's not even time to think about reports of him returning to Orb, applying for citizenship, and pledging loyalty to the Orb military. She hears whisperings of a former Zaft ace being somehow hired by the Orb military, but it's out of her hands. As far as she's concerned, the top brass of the Orb military can hire whosoever they please as long as they do right by their duties.

She too, tells herself that he can do whatever pleases him, and she's bound to do all that she must for Orb to be safe. She keeps away from managing the military issues directly - her father had made the mistake of getting directly involved. In any event, the rebuilding of civilian infrastructure is at its busiest, and she's too busy to invest any time or energy and emotion in anything else.

What she's chosen is worth it, she tells herself. The public sentiment towards her and the emirs begins to become positive, and it seems easier and easier to get support. The reports casting doubt and aspersions on her character and abilities are slowly growing obsolete.

X

Mina Sahaku re-enters the public eye, is openly supportive, and privately teaches her why being feared is just another side of the coin that is being loved by the people. If anything, Mina personally sees that she becomes more skilled at the game - "My dear, I didn't come back into this damned council to take a less than stellar and absolutely charming protégée."

In a matter of weeks, her personal assistants restock her wardrobe with both impeccably-cut suits, and sweeping, alluring gowns, at the public relation team's direction. The country has picked itself up, and so must she, Mina declares.

The charities that she sets up and names after the Atha family do much good too. At the advice of the office of emirs and her public relations team, she allows the media to record footage of her visiting the orphanages in civilian clothes, laying bricks and mending fishing nets.

She would not have thought of having what she'd previously done broadcasted to the public, but then she's being coached on how to channel her direct, fearless sincerity into a more measured, savvy approach. Times have changed again, and her father's opaque ways with the emirs cannot be the approach that she uses.

At the same time, she allows herself to be dolled up and to cut a glamorous figure for state and foreign events. Her office accepts the request from a leading luxury publication at her advisors' urging, and she's featured on the front cover laughing in a beautiful chiffon dress, as if she were a celebrity. The interview she gives mentions the hobbies that she enjoys, her favourite colours, the flowers that she sent her secretary as a birthday surprise, and focuses on her philanthropic work.

X

With the majority of noble houses uniting to reform a coherent council of emirs, the naysayers' voices eventually die down. She makes it a point to be seen with the Sahaku and Moringa emirs, and they express their support of her publicly as well.

Mina Sahaku and Clyde Moringa aren't fools - they understand what she had pledged to do for Orb, and they're tired of the wars too.

And somehow, the Rutherford house comes around too. Etienne Rutherford, the hard-nosed, younger brother of the Rutherford emir and head, surprisingly takes to her even after she corrects his brother's assumptions and deflects his pointed questions during a council session.

X

Before he'd left to relocate to the Plants, she learnt that that Kira had a discussion with those close to her. He had made a special visit to Markio's orphanage, and bid farewell to each child with the promise of a reunion soon. He'd made sure that there was a safety net in place - no matter how insignificant it would be - personally checked that her home was secure, then passed on messages from Lacus.

All Coordinators have the right of return to the Plants, and he'd applied for citizenship with relative ease. Really, Cagalli had always known that it was merely a matter of time before he would relocate from Orb to the Plants, where Lacus had been elected as Plant's Supreme Council's chairwoman, and was waiting for him. 

When she looks at her younger brother with his shy, awkward ways, Cagalli has to laugh. He lucked out, she tells him. While she isn’t in a position to judge, she tells him that his and Lacus’ engagement had gone on for far too long. It was time for him to return. 

Kira had said very little to her, as his way had become after the First War. But on the evening of his flight back to the Plants, he'd gone to her office personally to say goodbye, and told her that he'd always be there for her.

"I don't want to leave you here, but I know you'll be fine. I must enlist in Zaft for the same reasons that you must stay in Orb as the Atha emir." he'd said. "Lacus and I have the abilities to protect our peace by being in these positions, the same way that you choose not an easier life, but to lead."

She had held him close in a hug, nearly in tears, except that there was nothing to cry about. Orb had made a startling recovery even at that early stage, things were back on track much faster than most would have hoped for, and it had been time for him to go where he needed to be.

She had squeezed his hand in hers before letting him go. She had already understood everything that he couldn't put in words.

X

Her days are full, and because things happen so swiftly, she becomes more polished, wiser, mature, and she changes. She's settled into a rhythm, now that things have stabilised, and there's still enough to keep her occupied for nearly all hours of the day.

Just as simply, she learns that the most efficient way to leave the past behind - to grieve, in a sense - is to be in charge of others' lives. That way, her days are composed of tasks, objectives, and a vision much larger than herself.

She goes through with frequent public appearances and press conference after press conference, learning how to communicate with the public until she's numb to the insecurities that she'd once harboured. She leaves no stone unturned in reviewing and rehearsing the official statement, preparing responses for the standard questions, as well as the difficult ones.

Even then, a year in, she's put on the spot by an interviewer, who says, "Again, what makes you think you're able to lead when you aren't related to Uzumi Nara Atha by blood? You have no real interest in Orb, because you're not really a true Orb noble!"

It's enough for the conference hall to buzz with nervous energy. Nobody has raised that issue in a while, but it will always be a point of contention, especially amongst those who believe that Orb should amend its constitution to remove the Orb noble families from power, her included.

"If this isn't about the proposed government expenditures, then the question isn't appropriate." Next to her, Kisaka rises, but she stops him and puts aside her list of prepared responses.

She rises to her feet, facing the cameras and the live broadcasts streamed in each Earth and Galactic territory. There are so many things, so many arguments that she could run to. As Mina had said, there was no need for Cagalli to return to public service as an emir, not when she would have received enough to live on by merely being an Atha. But when Cagalli speaks, the memory of her father suddenly dislodges the cold, hard logic of her prepared answer. 

"I didn't choose to be adopted, or to be the Atha heir. I didn't choose to be a Natural, any more than others who didn’t choose to be born as Coordinators. I didn't think I'd become known as the Orb princess. I didn't choose to be born and brought into the Atha house any more than anyone has a choice." she tells them. "But I choose to be the servant of my people, because this is my home and my country. This is my heart."

X

Then suddenly, it's nearly the end of the second year since the Second War ended. Of course, the work associated with running a country as the lead emir is still cut out for her, and there's no space for further rumination on what was and what could have been.

The recent conferences and parliament sessions have been so consuming that she nearly has no energy to be cheerful at Kisaka's retirement gathering.

He notices this - but of course, he would. She understands, of course, that he would never retire if he was concerned about her ability to cope. In a way, it’s the best affirmation that she could have received. 

Kisaka requests that she take a walk with him through the Atha estate, in the forested area that they'd swam and fished in, and they leave Mana and their other friends behind.

"I wish you wouldn't refuse help from Mana and the others. It's going to be such an empty house with just you and machines."

"I don't mind." she tells him, and she really doesn't. "They've helped for so long and so many of them are past their retirement - there's no need for maids and butlers when it's just me."

He grins. "Your room would be a mess without the automatons."

"Well, they're there to clean it up. My office is crazy neat too."

"Still."

"You deserve a break too, and I can take care of myself now." She looks at him and wonders why he chose so many years of service, following after someone as troublesome and headstrong as her through the desert and space.

He's become old without her realising when, even in that tanned, fit skin of his. Something like sadness passes through her, but then she's also happy for him.

"Don't forget to take your meals then." he says, gravelly and solid, the rock that he is. "Find time to treat yourself well. You're the kind of person who's drawn to suffering - you always want to heal others, so you forget to heal yourself."

She doesn't know what to say to that, but he smiles. And it's like she's a kid again, and he's lifting her on his shoulders, showing her how welcoming and amazing the world can be.

"Don't let anyone push you around." Kisaka tells her.

"Of course not. You didn't teach me all those years to be a weakling." She musters a grin and gives him two thumbs up, and he tsks at her. "Look, I'm doing well. They like what I'm serving."

She doesn't go into detail about a few run-ins that she had with the Rutherford emir that morning - stubborn and chauvinistic prick that he is. They don't mention anyone else, and how Kisaka had found her slumped in her study, sleeping with her head on the desk, a few mornings ago.

"You talk real big." he says calmly, the way they've jabbed at each other since she was three. "I expect you to walk big too."

"Oh, I'll be walking so big, you'll need road-widening."

"Look, call me if you ever need me back here." he says, and she knows how difficult it is for him as well. "I'll take the first shuttle back to Olofat."

She smiles up at her guardian and friend. "I'll hold you to that."

They hug, and he near-lifts her off the ground. She isn't tall at all, and she's always been a bit smaller-boned, whereas he towers over her and is strong like a horse. She giggles, then slaps his shoulders for him to put her down.

But then he grows serious again, and studies her intently. "Have you thought about meeting him?"

"Who?"

"Don't act stupid with me, Cagalli. You must know that he's applied for permanent residency here."

"No, I didn't know." It's the truth. She's glad that it's a bit too dark this evening for Kisaka to see her expression when she turns away from the lamp lights above them. "Who told you?"

"I heard from Rear Admiral Qandail. I don't think he came back for any other reason - there are other Coordinator-neutral places that he could have gone to. Didn't Kira speak to you about this?"

She doesn't really know what to say, but shakes her head. "He's irrelevant now, Kisaka. He'll always be a friend to me and Kira, and he's somebody who's shaped my life. But he came back here to restart his life afresh, and so did I."

Kisaka knows her so well, he knows not to say any more.

X

Around the start of the second year following the wars, she runs into a person whom she'd never expected to meet again.

Shinn Asuka's markedly older now, and he looks less peaky and agitated than when she'd last seen him. He's smiling and laughing about something, a young girl climbing into his lap and tucking a daisy behind his ear.

"It matches mine." the girl says proudly, and Cagalli watches him tease. He seems so happy.

He and the other volunteers don't notice her coming into the playroom at first. They're all sitting in their corners, occupied with their groups of children, and colouring at picture books.

These times of peace suit people well, she thinks. She takes a step back, wondering whether to leave - her bodyguards and assistants are just waiting outside.

But then her moment of hesitation costs her a convenient retreat. The orphanage's principal claps her hands and says brightly, "Everyone, we have a surprise visitor! Her Grace is here this afternoon."

X

The day-to-day state affairs continue, even if the post-war accords and developments become less pressing. Her schedule is tightly-managed, and in three months after taking office, she had gone through four of the personal assistants that the emirs' office administrators assign to her, before settling on another two. The two who assist her now have survived all this time with her, and she's beginning to trust them more.

She isn't easy to work with, it seems - she expects people to be able to keep up, to be on top of every single agenda item, and she's tireless and won't show any weakness. She quickly develops a reputation of being a stern taskmaster, and she senses a reluctant admiration from the other emirs and the new electorate as the days go by.

She doesn't tell Kira that she'd suspected that the first three personal assistants were put in by the newest Moringa emir. She doesn't tell him about the slights and difficulties heaped on her. But she tells him, when they speak over calls, that she's fine, and she's determined to be fine.

Any social life that she'd had before the wars seems impossible to reclaim. In return for her progress, she accepts that her already small circle of family and friends have shrunk to a mere handful. They keep in touch mostly through messages and calls, and she doesn't see them in person any more. She doesn't tell them too much. She doesn't want them to worry.

X

At the office of emirs' proposal, in line with the tradition, and for good cheer, the nation gazettes and celebrates her twenty-first birthday with a public holiday. It's strange in so many ways that she's so young to be leading, or to be alive, for that matter. But as with most of the world, the survivors are either very young, or very old. She’s stepped up, and she accepts what her circumstances are.

It's weird seeing her face on publications, both printed and electronic. A news station in the Plants runs a documentary about her, or what they think they know about her. It pieces together the various interviews and speeches that she given, and it's flattering, although strangely shallow. She realises that few know her, and fewer will.

There are plenty of gifts from the Earth and Plant leaders. All are declared in the interest of transparency, and they're thoroughly checked by the security department of the office of emirs, including the flowers. Most of the flowers are half-wilted by the time she receives them.

Her favourite gift, sent in after multiple rounds of security checks and the like, is a set of hand drawn cards from the children in some beneficiaries in her charities. All should be well.

But a few weeks after her twenty-first birthday, she finds herself wide awake from a dream. He had been with her, his smile so familiar in the moonlight, and he'd kissed her the way she loved, slow and sure.

He had asked her to marry him and to be with him, all over again. In her dreams, they'd been so happy. He'd made love to her once again, languid and with that yearning in his face and mouth.

But she's awake. She's ashamed of how much she wants and how real it all feels - how much pain and loneliness she's carried all this time. She could have cried herself to sleep. But there's no reason for her to allow it.

She lies awake for a while more, but she's also too close to the edge to fight the tension coiled deep within her. Eventually, she uses her fingers for release, because she's too frustrated to sleep it off. She rationalises everything away in the morning.

X

Two months later, she meets Shinn again at the same orphanage. It occurs to her that it's strange to see him again and in civilian clothes, because she's only ever seen him in pilot suits and uniforms. But it's the same way that she must seem like a fish out of water here, because he's never seen her out of a uniform. She believes that he has never seen her as more than anything than an eyesore.

She had taken pains to go only on a weekend evening, so that the classes would have ended, and her visit wouldn't disrupt anyone. She had hoped that with fewer bodyguards and just a single personal assistant, the principal wouldn't be too flustered at her visit. Still, the principal is, and it's only at Cagalli's insistence that the principal lets her move around, unaccompanied.

The principal informs that the other volunteers had left earlier for the basketball court, but she passes a classroom and stops. Shinn's there, braiding the dark brown hair of little Tia, who had opted out of the ball games. Tia's apparently taken a liking to him, and she calls him 'big brother'.

He nods respectfully at Cagalli when she says hello and approaches, even if he seems to carry the old tension for a few moments. It dissipates when Tia bounces up to her, pulling her to sit with them. It's nice that they both show her no deference.

Then Tia asks if she can touch Cagalli's hair, "because it's so golden", she says, so admiringly, and Cagalli laughs and agrees. Tia says that Cagalli should get a matching braid in her hair, like Tia's. Tia insists, despite their awkwardness, that Shinn do one for Cagalli too.

And somehow, she finds herself turning, so that a boy who'd called her father and her hypocrites can touch and start braiding her hair. He does it beautifully, even if her hair's not long enough to braid in the style that he does for Tia.

Later, when she has a coffee with him in the visitor lounge of the orphanage, he asks her why she's always visiting.

"Not that you can't, obviously." Shinn says caustically. "You sit on the charity board, as I recently found out. I just find it strange that the Orb princess hasn't anything better to do on weekends when not running the country."

"I haven't, actually." She can't be bothered justifying herself. She had made time in the past to visit a few orphanages, including this one and Markio's, but this weekend, she had found a block of free time, and decided to make the trip here.

His eyes narrow at her flippant answer. "The principal says you used to volunteer here more often in the past, before you even got back to Orb. Any reason why you continued?"

"Obviously, I decided to make this a publicity stunt and turn it to my advantage, so don't stop visiting on my account." she says, just as sardonically. She drinks her coffee, and somehow, she can't be bothered to be politically correct.

He looks at her in surprise. But then he becomes earnest. "I wasn't implying anything that way. I wasn't trying to make you defensive, I'm just asking."

"It's what I just said." she says, still a bit guarded, but she has to smile when he shrugs.

Then she asks him how he learned to braid girls' hair. Surprisingly, instead of clamming up as she'd expected, he tells her that he used to braid his little sister's, even though she had been a pain in the ass back then.

"You braided Tia's hair really well." She reaches up and touches the smaller one in her own. "Thank you for helping them out here."

"They're a bit like my family now. I came here because I wanted to revisit Orb, but then I met some of the other volunteers and decided to stay on for a bit."

"That's good." She doesn't know what else to say, and they drink their coffees, still sizing each other up. She feels a buzz of her watch, and sees that her personal assistant is asking if she's ready to head back to Olofat.

She sets down her coffee, ready to leave. But he looks at her abruptly, and says, "I like being with these kids. I'd give anything to have my family back. But I get that it can't happen."

Although she could just leave, and although she hasn't any reason to say any more, Cagalli says, "I'm so sorry, Shinn.”

She means it. She's sorry that she couldn't do more. She's sorry for how weak they all were, and how Orb couldn't keep his family and so many others safe. She's sorry for all that she couldn't do, and many of the things that she and her father did, when people like him were trusting them to know better. She's sorry for not being better.

Maybe he understands, or maybe he doesn't. It doesn't matter, maybe. He just says, quite brusquely, "It's not your fault. I'm learning to move on."

X

They somehow keep in touch over the next month. They'd exchange numbers when she left the orphanage, and she asked if he could send her updates of the kids from time to time. And so he does.

He messages her and shares stories or photographs of the kids when he visits. Some are awkward and hilarious - the children get into scrapes, and one of them is captured with chocolate sauce like whiskers over his nose and cheeks. One steals his teacher's cellphone and makes calls to the district's fire fighter department and trucks pull up outside the school. Another nicks a volunteer's underwear from the dormitory and sells it online for a profit. But the children are bright, and healthy, and he tells her that they all get along well - they're each others' family.

She rarely replies, and there's no response required. But she does text back once to tell him that she laughed herself silly at this one video of the children running around, dressed as forest animals, and enjoying themselves immensely.

One day, he sends a video of the volunteers and the kids doing three-legged races. He texts that he'll update her on the next week's escapades because they're going on a field trip, and finally, her curiosity gets the better of her.

She asks him why he's still in Orb, and he tells her that he's thinking of moving back permanently. He also reveals that he's going through a cooling period with his girlfriend.

"She wanted me to stay on in Zaft, but I wanted to return to Orb first. Zaft is offering me a scholarship and I do want to go to university in the Plants and finish school. But I wanted to figure some things out."

She reads his messages in the wee hours of the morning, having turned away from her work for a breather. She does wonder whether he's being an escapist, but she figures he's a grown-up and can do whatever he thinks is best.

X

Although she had put off a visit to the military headquarters for quite a few months, she eventually has to show up.

She, Mina, the permanent secretary, and the prime minister and their assisting teams are shown around by the minister of defence and his team. The on-site report isn't very useful in terms of granular detail, and it doesn't really involve more than a glimpse of the running of daily operations and things that the minister of defence and his department is precisely paid to do.

But she's learned that part of it is to put up a show. There is value in a general sweep of the place. Even with prior notice of the quarterly visit, there are usually tell-tale signs when things are not going smoothly.

So far, all seems usual. It's important for people to understand that as lead emir, she could still be breathing down their necks in this ministry, and their minister's - and so she shows up.

The minister's familiar with these routine visits too - his team had also prepared and issued a summary report weeks ago, which she had read and flagged out some issues for detailed discussion.

As they move along the corridors of the glassy, imposing towers of the military headquarters, speaking formally and in fairly low, even voices, the military personnel and civil sevants around them stare at her and generally, they try to make it discreet and themselves scarce.

Mina sweeps around the place, completely at ease, an almost necessary presence with her military clothing. It's a stark reminder once again of the Sahaku's military background and familiarity with these headquarters.

Then the minister tells them that there's an ongoing series of tests for new equipment.

"As you know, we're bound to disclose such innovations and developments to the other Galactic powers. I'm sure Your Grace and Lady Sahaku appreciate that the newly-ratified provisions of the national Interstellar Secrets Act mean that we'll have to discuss the details in the next few months."

"Of course. We do want to comply as a party state to the Galactic Freedom of Information Treaty. In good faith, and as required." She looks at him directly.

They both understand that the scope of such disclosure will be fiercely debated later, but he surely knows that she's extremely unwilling to disclose. If they have to, and they will have to, she'll push for as little of Orb's military developments to be announced, treaty or not. That young girl who had stolen away and been shocked by the classified Morgenroete developments for sale to the Earth Alliance all those years ago is gone. There are differences with her and her father's foreign policy, but this, she's decided, is how Orb needs to continue to protect itself.

"Perhaps Your Grace and Lady Sahaku would like to see the results of the tests? I have it on good authority that we'll finish within the allocated time of your visit."

She looks at her lead personal assistant, who consults another quickly, and they nod.

"We have an Onogoro shuttle waiting, if you'd like to inspect." The minister says.

"Yes, I'd quite like to." Mina says. "You'll visit too, Lady Atha?"

If she had known, she would have stayed away. "By all means."

X

When they arrive, she looks up, through the viewing panes that dome them in like caged birds, and she marvels yet again. It's almost startling to see the gargantuan mobile suits at such close range, manuevering the skies within the training grounds and going into dizzying formations.

"Beautiful, aren't they?" Mina says.

They are. The sound of the five suits cutting through the air is deafening, even though they stand behind the fortified glass, within the observation corridors with the back-end technicians.

She hasn't been here in at least a year. The suits have been improved yet again, since the last time that she'd observed.

A few have been designed to morph mid-flight from the fighter-jet, streamlined horizontal planes to the rippling bulk of the humanoid shapes. In these blue skies, it's strange to think of these as weapons in the event of war.

At a technician's instruction through a mic system linked to the suits, one suit flattens itself in a dive, seamlessly navigating a diagonal dimension. She remembers the adrenaline of piloting, somehow.

It always takes her breath away. In the mobile suit, she had always been fighting for her life and others'. Outside it, and watching now, she understands why she had both hated and loved being in those machines.

Mina goes to the lead technician and they immediately start their discussions.

"And what do you think, Your Grace?" the minister asks.

"It's impressive." she says, and she's not being polite. "There seems to be more flexibility now."

"Amongst other recent improvements. Our research and development teams have been trying to roll out a smoother launch operational procedure." The lead researcher points at a few of the suits that have returned and are preparing to re-launch. "We found, quite inadvertently, in the wars, that if we removed certain components from the launching set, including the jet-blast deflector, the catapult's third anchor, the ascent could happen and systems could go online much more quickly."

"So that suits could be dispatched immediately?"

"In just under half the usual time." The minister confides. "If they ever had to be dispatched, that kind of time could be decisive."

"Yes, well, I suppose it's an issue of whether there are increased safety risks." She's still staring at the suits that haven't been recalled. In the distance, three of them are making their rounds in tight formation, most likely testing speed stability.

"Of course, Your Grace. I seek your pardon, you would know - you piloted in the wars as well."

She waves it off, glancing at the lead researcher. "Only out of necessity, not talent or particular skill. In any event, all pilots are at the mercy of their controlling and technical teams. I trust the ministry of defence and its subordinate departments understand best what to do."

"Thank you, Your Grace. Our selected test pilots have placed their trust in us too - we do our best for them."

"I suppose you must." Behind them, there are instructions being keyed into the systems, and the dispatched suits flag their receipt of instructions. It's all too familiar to her. Two of the team return quickly.

But the three remaining suits cut overhead, tight above the observation dome, and turn perfectly, executing beautifully-curved air paths, then hover to land some distance away and below the observation dome. Everything seems to rise up in the dust around them, but the mechanic teams are already running forward. These are clearly superior to the mobile suits that she'd remembered, and she wonders yet again if this technology is really safely-guarded here.

Then at a signal, the pilots are lowered from their cockpits, exiting from their mobile suits' hatches. The mobile suits need to be cooled off, and the water jets directed by other automatons bring forth great spouts of steam.

The sound panels around them echo with the voices of the pilots reporting, amidst the directions of the control team.

"Sortie four, clear."

She looks out, through the glass, and somehow, she knows it's him even before he removes his helmet and speaks.

He's distracted - he's speaking to a few mechanics and technicians who are helping him out of a harness and the portable meters he had carried - presumably for data on the takeoff.

They're too far away for him to notice her, she thinks, and she steps closer, almost close enough for her nose to touch the glass. She watches him take a tablet from the assigned technician and write down his notes. She can see him saying something, pointing at the joint of the suit between the humanoid form's neck and arm.

He looks tired, but that's to be expected from the rigorous piloting. He's gesturing, serious and firm, and then he suddenly turns to the observation dome, maybe to signal something to the control tower team. Maybe he sees her, or maybe he doesn't.

She had turned away, avoiding looking at him any further, moving further in. She didn't realise that Mina had left the discussion and is staring at her.

"Would you like to see the next set of tests?" the minister asks.

She forces herself to concentrate on her tasks ahead.

"Regretfully not. There aren't enough hours in a day, I'm afraid."

X

She decides, half a month or so thereafter, that she can afford to act on what she somehow senses.

It's a cool evening when they meet at the mass graves and war memorial in Yalafath's south coast, and he leads her to where his family's graves presumably are.

She'd driven in a nondescript car that the office of emirs had approved and supplied to her for such incognito trips, and she'd met him at the harbour to catch the ferry to this island. She had been surprised that he'd agreed to visit with her, but he had.

There had been some visitors earlier, but then she and Shinn are there for so long, people leave on the returning ferries, and it's just them, eventually. As she had hoped, nobody realises it's her in civilian clothing, and her guards' absence gives nobody any reason to pay particular attention.

Shinn's confided in her more and more over time, and it's strange to realise that she thinks of him as a friend. The truth is, she's become quite isolated in her role as the head emir, and his bringing her here reminds her a bit of a time never to return.

When she watches him, he's lost in his thoughts. He stares at the mass graves, quiet and solemn, but he's calm and he seems at peace. He's like one of those clockwork toys, she thinks, plodding on no matter what they face from the tides of life.

There's so much burden to be borne, but it's hers to handle, and she looks back at the flowers growing. She prays that people like Shinn will find their way, and that she will find hers.

She lays a bouquet of flowers at the spot that he's led her to. And although she isn't religious, she murmurs a prayer that she had been taught, a long time ago. It's one of a hundred of spots, stationed by these cliffs. The flowers are already subject to the winds, and their petals blow fragile and white in the wind.

He watches her, then says, a bit gruffly, "Thank you."

She looks at him, shaking her head. "No, thank you for bringing me here and allowing me to visit."

"It's a public space, anyone can visit." The ocean behind him swells and the waves crash, drowning out the doubt in his voice. He looks around, as if expecting four or five of the office of emirs' employees to pop out of nowhere. "Isn't your car and the bodyguards going to come fetch you?"

"Not until I call." she responds, and she takes a seat, on the grass, not caring if the grass could leave stains on her clothes. "It's my private time today - I drove on my own."

"So much effort - don't you have anything better to do on a Saturday night?" His lips quirk, but he takes a seat next to her. "I've been reading about all the praises that the Orb princess has been receiving. You must be so busy - shouldn't you rest more on the weekends?"

She smiles. "Not really. Did you have something else on this weekend? I'm sorry if I asked you to bring me here - I appreciate that I'm probably interrupting your Saturday plans."

He looks bothered, cast orange as the sunset marches on. "No, don't apologise for every little thing. I'd have told you if it was a bad timing. You're about my age - I don't get why you act like I should be partying and going to town, when you're not doing the same."

"Try being the lead emir." she shoots back, and they laugh a bit.

"I don't know many people in Orb any more." he admits. "It's not like I'm doing much more than bumming around."

His loneliness stretches out, longer than his shadow, and something in her thaws. He reminds her of something, someone, and she understands now why Kisaka had been so worried for her when he'd left. It's just as well.

"You're helping out at an orphanage near your old home." she tells him. "You're helping to look after Orb's orphaned children. That's not bumming around."

"Yes, well, you're the patron of many of these charities, not me." He fidgets, looking increasingly uncomfortable. "You know, it's starting to get cold - d'you want to get out of here? We could get the next ferry, maybe grab a bite at the harbour. You'll probably want to start driving home, it's some ways back."

He stands up from where they'd sat, brushing the grass from himself. Then he offers a hand and she places hers in his, so that he can pull her up. He does, with a bit more force than she expects, and she meets him, face to face, startled.

Their hands are still touching, and he somehow doesn't let go, until a few moments have passed, and it's probably too long. She can see his eyes widen, and she can somehow sense his pulse quicken - he's so guiless, she reads everything that she needs to. Subconsciously, his body leans in towards her, but he catches himself. He looks stunned, even though she's completely calm by then.

"You're-"

She looks at him directly, not shying away. But he doesn't complete whatever he was going to say, and he lets go and takes a clumsy step back, nearly stumbling.

"A-Alright, we could catch the ferry-"

"Did you want to kiss me?" she says.

He actually flushes, and he takes another step back. She just watches him stammer. "N-no, it's not like that. I wasn't - I didn't mean that I wanted -"

"Don't you?"

He falls silent, and he can't meet her gaze directly. But he steals a glance at her through his dark hair, wild and tumbling like a scar over his fair face.

She understands what he wants. He's lonely, and she is. He's lost, but she isn't. He wants to gain his bearings, but she wants to lose her way for a while.

Even though she's probably doing them both a wrong, it feels like she's already mastered the art of divestment. "Of course you can kiss me."

She closes her eyes and waits, knowing that his lips will meet hers.

X

She doesn't give him the house tour, but directs him to the adjacent bathroom to her bedroom, so that he can shower. He waits for her to finish her bath, but he's trembling when she touches his cheek and disrobes. He only seems to calm down when she slides beneath the covers, and nuzzles his neck.

The drive back and getting into her estate had taken more than an hour, but they'd not stopped to reconsider. She knows that if they did, they wouldn't be here.

He takes her hands and slides them to his waist, and then he moves over her, pulling away the sheets. He stares at her for a moment, and it's almost as if her nakedness unnerves him. She also wonders if it's because this is all so unthinkable that it's off-putting. It's as if she's watching from another person's body, because her mind is so detached from this moment.

It's been so long since she's been touched like this, even if she wouldn't have brought him into her house if she could help it. He seems to know what he's doing and it's so, so good - she moans and Shinn snakes another finger into her, stretching and easing.

When she closes her eyes, she can almost see his hands on her. In the darkness, those could be his slim fingers. Those had seemed too elegant even with their roughened pads, to hold a gun to her head and knife to her throat that stormy day when they first met. It's as if it's his body's weight bearing hers down, his tumescent hardness tearing into and entering her now.

She clings on, eyes shut, everything dimmed. It's been so long, and she didn't realise how she'd craved this. She's wet with her desire and she doesn't really feel pain the way she had the first time when he'd breached her. Those could be his lips and teeth pressing into her neck. But she knows that his palms would be rougher, blistered from his years of knife and gun practice, stroking against her.

He had been a considerate lover, clearly experienced, giving and capable of sensuous, wild lovemaking. He'd surprised her with his passion, because he'd always seemed so reserved, polite, and careful. She'd fallen for him so quickly, and if she'd tried to diagnose it as a crush, it had proven to be anything but.

Maybe she'd provoked him, when they'd been kissing right after the battle of Jachin Due. But she'd wanted more contact - more of him - and even though she hadn't planned for it, and even though she'd always been warned by Mana to be careful of boys, she'd kissed him hard and undone her pilot uniform to give him access.

She'd positioned his hands under the thin shirt, wanting him to take, wanting to give. Maybe it had struck them that they'd come so close to death so many times. Kisaka had been right that way - she always was drawn to healing, to trying to help, and she courted danger.

But the soldier that she'd met those days ago had also drawn her to him. He had been so hurt, and he was broken by so many things, and he was still so strong. She had wanted him so badly, she'd thought nothing of being vulnerable and so open with him. It had made sense that he would be her first, and she had craved so strongly then that there hadn't been a reason to hold onto any reservation.

They'd locked themselves in some storage room, and she'd been too caught up with his kisses to tell him properly that it was her first time. When he'd realised it, they were too far gone. And if it had been hurried, clumsy, uncontrolled, and a bit traumatic for her the first time, the subsequent times had been far better.

There had been a time when she'd found herself craving him so physically that a single kiss could make the most secret depths of her tense in anticipation. With him, she'd learned how wonderful sex could be. They'd experimented, the young adults that they were, anywhere and even in this very room. They'd snuck away whenever they could, although that had been so rare after she'd returned to Orb and he'd come with her.

His fingers are caressing her again, and she takes him in, crying out at the sensation. He'd taught her how to enjoy the physical intimacy of his touch, and she'd believed that she would never want this from another person, let alone make love with another. She had been so naive then.

She forces her eyes open, before the tears come - she forces herself to watch as Shinn thrusts, panting softly over her. He's moist all over, and she coils her thighs around his back. It feels good - it's nice - it's close enough.

When he comes, he tries to withdraw, but he's too late and nervous. He looks at how they're still joined, as if he hadn't taken his own measures. He gets away from her, so mortified that she has to smile.

"It's alright." she tells him.

"Oh. I - I thought- my conscription precautions have probably expired. I thought -"

"At ease, doctor-to-be," she teases him, and she pulls him nearer. "I've taken precautions too." She takes his hand, running it up her forearm, until he can feel the embedded implants. I've a good two more years to go before the next batch."

He looks bashful for a moment, going pink in those pale cheeks. But his expression changes from childish and scared to tender and serious - she tries not to notice. And then he leans in, as if to kiss her, as they had by the cliffs.

This time, she turns her head away. He ends up kissing her cheek. Then he tries again, and she turns away once more.

He stares, but then he's wise enough not to ask. He looks a bit unsettled, but she'd already decided at the cliffs that all of this was for her sake, not his. She can be selfish too.

"Anything else is fine." she says, and it's a whisper, because all her energy is spent on maintaining her bravado.

X

That night, he tells her about what had been bothering him. As he'd told her before, Zaft had made him an offer, and he could continue his career with them as a pilot and a scholarship to university. He had separately applied for medical school, and had received a letter of acceptance.

"I'm not so smart." Shinn says ruefully. "But I should go back to school - I want to learn and study and be useful to people around me. I want to learn how to save lives."

"Take the offer." she advises. She sits up, drawing the sheets around her, and regards him. "This is one way that you can restart. If you want to leave Zaft, that's fine too. If you need help, I'm happy to pay your medical school fees."

"No!" he looks scandalised. "No, I have some savings. I can work part-time too.

"Then what's the issue?"

"It's not the fees." Shinn says brusquely. He sits up too, staring at her fiercely. "But how could I just go back to a normal life after killing all those people? Where's the justice in that - where's the retribution?"

"The retribution is in you being bound by your conscience to do something better with the rest of your life." Her voice grows sharper, and she doesn't expect it, but the words take flight from her tongue. "Living is harder than running. If you don't do this now, you'd have wasted another opportunity."

He stills. Then he says, "You sound like you've faced that choice far too many times."

"I have."

He regards her so gravely that she feels a bit unsettled.

"I'd never end my life," she tells him, and it's so halting because she feels like crying, but can't. "I've almost died, a few times. Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I did. But I've never thought of ending my life - I have so much to live for, and I want to live - I want to live so, so much. Somebody I - I cared for - somebody I knew wanted to die in front of me. I told him what I've told you, because I wanted him to stay alive. It's too easy to choose death. I don't deserve that. You don't, either."

X

When she's done with her bath and steps out, she sees that jet shock of hair is still damp and curling. He hasn't put on his shirt.

The new sheets are now fresh and smell of sandalwood and lemon, and the knee-tall service automaton has already refolded itself into a basket-like shape with the soiled sheets, tucked unobtrusively in a corner. He should have already been gone - she thinks that she shouldn't have let him share his hopes and fears for the future with her.

"Anything wrong?"

"I've missed the last shuttle back to the hostel." He's still sitting on the edge of the bed, troubled and whimsical, like a child. Those brilliant, crimson eyes are wide and startled, so unsure that it's difficult to see herself as being about his age. "Um-"

She suddenly feels sorry for him - there's a tug of affection and something else that she ignores.

"Can't I stay for a few more hours?"

She moves to a cupboard and selects a spare sleeping robe, with a similar pattern to the one she wears. He's so slim, she thinks he'll still fit in - he does.

She figures that this is an exception. It was her fault for calling him in so late as well, and they're both sleepy. It would be a hassle and unfair to call her bodyguards to send him back, even though she knows that he can always call a cab once he showers and gets dressed.

"You might as well, for tonight." It's clear what she means. She thinks it is.

X

She lies there with her eyes closed, thinking about the day's discussions, and the tasks ahead of her for the next week. It's taking her a long time to fall asleep though, because she can feel his weight next to her, and she can sense each crest and peak of his breathing.

Minutes, or hours, could have passed. She doesn't know the difference, because something stopped a while ago. It's like she's trapped in limbo, in between the past and something else - even though she wants to move forward so badly. In the sky, that mobile suit had flown high and distant, freed from the constraints of any glass dome.

Then he shifts, and his fingers touch her shoulder very lightly.

"Are you asleep?"

She isn't. She knows better, but he doesn't.

She feels him touch a lock of her hair, curling it away from her cheek. She wills herself to breathe slowly and steadily.

"I'm not ready to go." he whispers. "I don't want to go back to the Plants. Can't you see? Maybe I could love you - maybe you could forget about whoever you wanted, and maybe love me too."

His lips brush against her cheekbone so imperceptibly, a night butterfly come and gone. He shifts back soon after, and he falls into sleep that she hopes is dreamless.

She keeps her eyes shut. In the morning, she'll ensure that he has breakfast, and no matter what he says, he'll catch the first shuttle back. It's for the best.

X

She avoids the military headquarters for the next quarter as well. She's aware that he's been promoted recently. His talent in the military is simply undeniable.

Lacus and Kira tell her that things on their end have stabilised, and that they're looking to start a family soon. She's pleased for them. They invite her to visit, and she promises, yet again, that she will go over soon.

One afternoon when they're suntanning at Mina's pool, Mina remarks offhandedly that if Cagalli's going to keep distracting Etienne Rutherford, she should at least try not to do it during the council speeches.

"It's truly amusing hearing that man trip over his words when he's trying to convince us all that Orb needs to redefine its foreign policy. I do wish he'd stop staring at you, and focus on his damned speech cards. You know, he could leave the speeches to his older brother as with before, there's no need to suddenly get so involved in these council meetings."

"That's rubbish." Cagalli protests. "Mina, you shouldn't say these things."

"We'll see." Mina says smugly, and with a snap of her fingers, they're served yet another round of spiked iced tea.

X

As promised, Shinn texts her from time to time.

He tells her that his classmates come from various backgrounds, and he doesn't say if he introduced himself as one of the ace pilots that Dullindal had relied on so heavily. Medical school, as expected, is extremely challenging.

Still, he offers to visit after his mid-terms, subject to her availability. He texts her, letting her know that he's visiting Yalafath to see the kids. He mentions that if she's around, they could meet.

He sounds earnest even through those short messages. It makes her feel worse.

She toys with the idea of not responding, but she eventually texts back. "We'll probably both be bogged down, so I think it won't be easy. Good luck with those studies though, keep me posted."

His response takes more than an hour, but it tells her that he understands enough to know what to do. "Thanks. I'll keep you updated as and when. Take care."

"You too. Take care of yourself."


End file.
